Random Axe of Kindness

I am turning over a new piece of seaweed, as they say. I have resolved to try to be nicer to the people around me. Here's an example:

I live next to a retired couple -they used to be tired, now they are re-tired. The other day, I was out, shoveling my driveway after a skiff of snow. They were also out shoveling theirs. After they finished, they went inside. Looking over, I noticed that they had missed a couple of spots, here and there. Not wanting to make them feel badly about it, I took my garden hose and drug it over to the front of their garage and, using my sprayer nozzle, was able to wash away all the snow -leaving their driveway spotless and shiny.

Now, I didn't have to do that -it's just that I wanted to surprise them with my kindness. I may be a cynic, but it doesn't mean that I can't be thoughtful. I can't wait to see the surprise in their eyes when they see what I've done.

It's not just with people I know, however. The other day, I was standing in the line, heading out of Costco, waiting my turn to get frisked -Costco members know what I mean, all others, as you were.

So, anyway, this very large lady on a motorized scooter that belonged to Costco, was just ahead of me in line. I overheard the "frisker" gal, trying to explain to her that, "There's a gentleman over there who is waiting for a cart..." -she pointed at a large fellow, slumped uncomfortably with his back against the wall.

Now, some people's minds don't process information as quickly as others' and, besides, this is the Pre-Christmas rush, at Costco, and it was pretty obvious to me and the 70, or so, people in line with me, that this was going to take a while.

Being the nice guy that I am, I quickly sized up the situation and, shunting the frustrated frisker aside, I quickly broke it down for the lady on the scooter, like this:

"Look, lady, a lot of people are waiting. If you would just roll your fat buns up outta the chair so that Chunky, over there, can take a turn, then we can all be on our merry way!"

So, my readers, I encourage you, in the spirit of the Holiday Season, to practice your own random acts of kindness toward others.

Me: Turning over a new piece of seaweed!

Red Cup WTF? Suffer the Cup!

I really resent Starbucks for their red-cup fiasco. It's not what you think, though. The red cup itself doesn't offend me, the way it seems to be offending millions -some of whom don't even drink coffee! No, the thing that's cracking my shell is all the whining and complaining.

Hey! I stood in line for 45 minutes, like everybody else here; I paid my five-seventy-five for a weak-ass latte and now, I gotta listen to some sour puss whine because the color of their cup offends them? Gimme a break. Suffer the cup to live. Let's get on with more serious matters, shall we?

The polar caps are melting, the rainforests are disappearing, cancer has effected the lives 90% of the people I know and ISIS is running up my tail pipes with a suicide note -and I gotta sit here and listen while you rant about the color of a cup! You can go to Oil Can Henry's and get a lube job! Loosen up and suffer the cup!

Even at Starbucks, I can think of bigger things to worry about than the color of my cup -when's the last time you had a good cup o' Joe? I mean, really. These people can sit through the dregs of a watered-down latte that costs as much as breakfast at Mickey D's but they can't manage to drink it from a scarlet-colored cup? What a load of shrimp.

As far as the cup is concerned -it's an attention-getter. That's what this is all about, really, isn't it? Starbucks gets a billion hits on the internet over the color of a cup and their investors smile all the way to the bank. Red is an attention-getting color. Whether it's good or bad attention makes no difference. In the world of high-finance, there's no such thing as "bad press." The thing that I really resent is that they felt they had to resort to such tactics to get attention.

There's Nothing Funny About Warts!

"There's nothing funny about warts!" Remember that old commercial from TV? That line used to crack me up when I was a litty-bitty Crabbe -but it's true. There is NO THING funny about warts -which is why I'm not even going to talk about warts. I'm in this for the humor.

One thing that is hilarious, to me (I can't speak for you or your Grandparents), is the way we, as Americans, pride ourselves on taking the path of least resistance... until it backfires!

Four-Way-Stops. Simple, effective ways that lead to locomotion. So, why is it that 50% of our fellow commuters have no clue how to use them? Maybe the percentage isn't that high -but there must be a reason they keep putting in those blasted round-a-bouts! @#$%^&!

Here's a crash-course for those of you who STILL don't know how to use a four-way-stop intersection: As you approach the intersection you are looking to see who is ALREADY there -as soon as you stop and they go -you may proceed.

Yes, it really is that simple. Few things in our modern life are that simple, and yet, people keep screwing it up! So, we put in another round-a-bout, and hope it solves the problem. But putting a bandage on a problem is not a cure -it's merely a temporary state of bliss.

Two days ago, hurricane-force winds blew out half the power in the lovely city I live in. Suddenly, and without time enough to build that many round-a-bouts, a half-million commuters were forced to use four-way-intersections, and only half (or less) knew how to make a left turn!

 

Let me put it another way -the sign does not say PARK, it says
S-T-O-P!

 

Pumpkins Seasonal? Bah Humsquash!!!

The American Public is getting more gullible. That's why I'm here -to help you cut through the crap! What I have to tell you, today, takes the prize for the biggest load of it, this decade! Pumpkin Spice -need I say more? Probably not, but you can bet I'm gonna!

Every era has its imposters -those of you who remember the "Gas Crunch" of the 1970s know what I'm talking about. Hoaxes, Urban Myths, Snake-Oil Merchants and flat out Liars abound in our society and I'm here to take out the trash!

We still have the gas crunch hoax abounding -but I don't think anyone in their right mind is falling for it. We gotta take some things in the wallet, no way around that. But this...

Snoopy used to try to convince us that the Great Pumpkin really existed -but that was pantomime. Charlie Schultz was only in it for the humor. Now, however, we have people who would have you believe that pumpkins are a seasonal treat. Oh yeah? Because of what? I don't know where YOU shop, but I can get bananas all the year round! What makes pumpkins so special?

Do you really think that Starbucks sends people out to harvest squash?

Odds are good that they don't even have to skip to the grocery store to buy a can of pumpkin, like you do, when you're making pies for your in-laws and out-laws! If Safeway can carry canned pumpkin all year long, why can't Sysco? Since when did pumpkin become such a commodity?

I'll tell you, "since when..." Since the gullible public began buying into the idea -that's 'since when!'

 

5-Mile Rule -Dumbest Thing They've Come Up With Yet!

Somebody told me that there is a statistic that states "75% of auto accidents occur within 5 miles of your home." Who came up with this bit of cockamamie?! Let's take a good look at this, shall we?

First of all, 95% of accidents that occur on the road, involve at least two vehicles -on a worldwide scale, what are the odds that both parties live within 5 miles of the accident? You stand a good chance of losing 50% of your odds right there!

And what about when you're driving in the mountains and get hit by a moose? Odds are at least 50% that he lives within 5 miles of the scene -but you? What were you doing up there in the first place? Do you file that as an "uninsured second party?"

Government studies show the statistics might lean toward these findings, but what idiot put the government in charge of this? Oh, yeah, the "Votary Public," I forgot. So, somebody got a government grant -YOUR tax dollars, hard at work, so that they could come to this insipid conclusion?

I'll tell you the truth -and I won't even charge you for it! The reason that anybody might have a greater chance of getting in an auto accident within five miles of their residence, has nothing to do with "carelessness," as the statisticians seem to intimate, but the simple fact involved is "frequency."

You drive within those five miles ninety-five percent of the time you are driving! It's that simple. If you drive anywhere, that often, the odds are that, if you get in an accident (heaven forbid) THAT's where it's gonna happen!

Paid to Litter - Nice Work if You Can Get It!

Used to be, somebody threw litter on you lawn or in your driveway, you could retaliate. But not today. No way! These days, people are being paid to throw litter in my yard! I'm not kidding -at least once a week, this joker, undercover of darkness, does a drive-by at my house with a wad of newsprint in a plastic bag that I will, later, have to pay for the privilege of having removed. What's worse -I'm expected to go out, pick it up, carry it to the garbage can and drag it out to the road, a couple of days later. What is this country coming to?

I tried being a nice guy, at first. Believe me -it was a stretch! I called the number of the printer that lay claim to the contents of the plastic bag and "requested" to have the "deliveries" stopped. They told me it couldn't be done, because they only print the crap they don't deliver it. "What?!" That is "outsourced" to another agency, they tell me.

They didn't bother to give me a name, so, tomorrow morning, dark and early, I'm gonna be waiting for that sucka, and I'm going to egg his car. When he slams on his brakes and comes back to threaten me, I won't even bring up that turnabout is fair play, I'll just say that I was paid to do it. Even eggs can be outsourced.

WHAT? I Bought it But I Don't Own It?

Blister the Crabbe here and I have a question to ask of the appropriate manufacturers and distributors of a few certain products and or services. Ready? Here's my question -where do you get off selling people something that they're never going to own fully?

Here's an example: Applesauce. When I was growing up, there were only a couple of ways to get applesauce -you (or your grandma) could make it yourself, or you could go down to the nearest Grocery Store and buy a can of it. These days, however, Granny's too busy playing BINGO and the local Grocery Store is now so close you barely have to leave your easy chair to acquire a container of applesauce -but what, no! Now that you have your applesauce -you can't seem to get it out of the jar! What is with the shape of this jar that is so attractive? If I paid for the contents, why the heck can't I have it? I can only get about 75% of the content out of the jar but I STILL have to pay 100% of the price! What gives?

Now, let's talk about computers. After all, a lousy buck-and-a-quarter for some applesauce isn't even a drop in the bucket compared to a new laptop. Now, I understand the concept of buying a car on credit -you don't "own" it until the loan is paid off - but a computer -you can buy one outright on any given payday, if you have a good job. Still, regardless of where you bought it, what brand you purchased or how much you paid for it -you don't own it.

You could be working on a burgeoning deadline -the clock is ticking, the sweat is dripping, the file is nearly complete and then -BAM! the computer has to shut off to download some updates that you didn't want -didn't know you needed and -don't even know what they are or what they're for! Nothing you can do can about it -if you didn't save your file up to the minute, you're ... well, you know...